I feel like the last year has been a time of awakening for me. I have spent the last little while looking at who I have become, and how far I have come. My trips to the US and Europe have helped me to appreciate my home, and how I have taken so much for granted. Far more importantly, however, I have learned to completely remove myself from the incessant family crises. I have learned to accept that I cannot change them. They have chosen the lives they want to lead. They have chosen to put themselves into a sitation that can very easily lead to heartache and hardships. By learning to distance myself from their problems and religious faith, I have given myself the space I needed to be more comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I am on the right path towards finding myself.
It is like that one poem I wrote as a teenager, I was not really aware of the clouds blocking the sun. It was not until the clouds were breaking up that I knew just how toxic they were for me.
I love my aunt very much, but I can accept that she chooses to remain in a religion that forced her family to shun her after escaping from her abusive husband. The elders told her that JWs in concentration camps endured a great deal of abuse in Nazi Germany, but their obedience to god never waivered. It seems absolutely frightening that they would tell a battered wife this, but nevertheless, it is her decision to not let it interfere with her religious convictions. Thankfully she still had the good sense to leave her husband.
I also feel like I have a better sense of how I want to shape my future. How I want to satisfy my lust for exploration and to expand my horizons. I have even considered the possibility of raising a family of sorts later on in life. The future does not scare me anymore. I have much less anxiety about how things will end up. This is because of how I have a better sense of who I am, and I have a much better idea about what paths not to take.
Now... to try something radical and new...
