I feel like the last year has been a time of awakening for me. I have spent the last little while looking at who I have become, and how far I have come. My trips to the US and Europe have helped me to appreciate my home, and how I have taken so much for granted. Far more importantly, however, I have learned to completely remove myself from the incessant family crises. I have learned to accept that I cannot change them. They have chosen the lives they want to lead. They have chosen to put themselves into a sitation that can very easily lead to heartache and hardships. By learning to distance myself from their problems and religious faith, I have given myself the space I needed to be more comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I am on the right path towards finding myself.
It is like that one poem I wrote as a teenager, I was not really aware of the clouds blocking the sun. It was not until the clouds were breaking up that I knew just how toxic they were for me.
I love my aunt very much, but I can accept that she chooses to remain in a religion that forced her family to shun her after escaping from her abusive husband. The elders told her that JWs in concentration camps endured a great deal of abuse in Nazi Germany, but their obedience to god never waivered. It seems absolutely frightening that they would tell a battered wife this, but nevertheless, it is her decision to not let it interfere with her religious convictions. Thankfully she still had the good sense to leave her husband.
I also feel like I have a better sense of how I want to shape my future. How I want to satisfy my lust for exploration and to expand my horizons. I have even considered the possibility of raising a family of sorts later on in life. The future does not scare me anymore. I have much less anxiety about how things will end up. This is because of how I have a better sense of who I am, and I have a much better idea about what paths not to take.
Now... to try something radical and new...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
How do you search for yourself?
I often find it difficult to understand just exactly what it is that I want in life. A psychology teacher explained to me that the self is like a candle within you that never burns out. From time to time, it may flicker, but it does not stop burning so long as you are still alive. I have come to feel as if that flame is constantly flickering, and that it is hard to understand exactly what shape it is supposed to be. It is as if there is some mechanism in my head blocking me from... well, understanding me.
It is not as much a feeling of not having a firm grip on the steering wheel, but moreso a feeling of not going in the direction I should be.
I think one of the issues I have, is the natural tendency to play it safe. To avoid making big mistakes that could seemingly end up drowning me. I think this tendency has damaged my family relationships, and may be the root cause of my inability to calm the flame within me long enough to determine whether or not I am on the right path.
I have developed a fear in recent years of playing it safe. The fear of taking the easy path stems from the fear of regrets. Looking at the previous generations, and listening to their lamentations, I have been given a glimpse into a possible future of mine. Will I be like them, people who partied in their 20s, got married, got a job, went on the odd vacation, then sat down to catch their breath only to realize it went by too fast? It seems to me that they ask that question in a way that implies that they regret choices that they made... the choice of following the model of life their parents laid out for them.
I have roots in the prairies. I feel comfortable in the wide open spaces of the country. I admire the slow pace of life, the tight-knit communities... but at the same time, I think it scares me. My father's side of the family is that atypical family that grew up from the wheat fields and small communities. My grandfather would make rye in his shed behind my grandma's back, and trade it with hooch made by neighbours. He would go down to the diner, or community hall, and play a number of instruments with other neighbours all night long. My grandpa appreciated his family and community, and I have a deep respect for that. My dad followed in his footsteps, aside from the fact that he ended up trading the farm life for life in small towns.
The fact that I am gay has forced me out of following the same socially conservative path. I had to stop weaving religion into the fabric of my life, and replace those threads by constantly scrambling for truths. I don't have the whole universe completely figured out like they did. The methods they used to see the flame within themselves, won't work for me.
Their truths are not my truths.
I am just wandering aimlessly... hoping that this is just a typical problem of youth that ends up getting resolved. Hoping that my anxiety is just part of the process of finding my way.
It is not as much a feeling of not having a firm grip on the steering wheel, but moreso a feeling of not going in the direction I should be.
I think one of the issues I have, is the natural tendency to play it safe. To avoid making big mistakes that could seemingly end up drowning me. I think this tendency has damaged my family relationships, and may be the root cause of my inability to calm the flame within me long enough to determine whether or not I am on the right path.
I have developed a fear in recent years of playing it safe. The fear of taking the easy path stems from the fear of regrets. Looking at the previous generations, and listening to their lamentations, I have been given a glimpse into a possible future of mine. Will I be like them, people who partied in their 20s, got married, got a job, went on the odd vacation, then sat down to catch their breath only to realize it went by too fast? It seems to me that they ask that question in a way that implies that they regret choices that they made... the choice of following the model of life their parents laid out for them.
I have roots in the prairies. I feel comfortable in the wide open spaces of the country. I admire the slow pace of life, the tight-knit communities... but at the same time, I think it scares me. My father's side of the family is that atypical family that grew up from the wheat fields and small communities. My grandfather would make rye in his shed behind my grandma's back, and trade it with hooch made by neighbours. He would go down to the diner, or community hall, and play a number of instruments with other neighbours all night long. My grandpa appreciated his family and community, and I have a deep respect for that. My dad followed in his footsteps, aside from the fact that he ended up trading the farm life for life in small towns.
The fact that I am gay has forced me out of following the same socially conservative path. I had to stop weaving religion into the fabric of my life, and replace those threads by constantly scrambling for truths. I don't have the whole universe completely figured out like they did. The methods they used to see the flame within themselves, won't work for me.
Their truths are not my truths.
I am just wandering aimlessly... hoping that this is just a typical problem of youth that ends up getting resolved. Hoping that my anxiety is just part of the process of finding my way.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Subterfuge
The people thought they were getting accountability and transparency with the conservatives. Instead, Harper brought a cloud of opacity to Ottawa. It was the only way he thought he could push a social conservative agenda. By patiently using subterfuge. Piece by piece they have been pushing Canada towards social conservatism. Unfortunately, the only way the public finds out about it, is when they fuck up.
Bev Oda was entrusted by the Canadian people to perform her role as International Cooperation Minister with the principles and values she campaigned on.
Like, accountability.
The Canadian International Development Agency recommended to her that she approve federal funding to the international aid group Kairos. She then ordered the document stating this recommendation, to be doctored so that it said the opposite of what the CIDA had signed and submitted. Then she lied to the public by saying that it was not recommended by CIDA. She said that it was not 'aligned with the objectives of CIDA'.
She lied to the Canadian people.
Just like the long-form census debacle last year, a conservative minister misled the public into believing their employees were on board with their decision. They try to hide the fact that it is their blind ideologies that are behind the decisions. Bev Oda led parliament, and the Canadian people, to believe CIDA was on board with the decision. That is a complete lie. Tony Clement led us to believe that the head of Statistics Canada supported removing the long-form census. It was a complete lie, and the head of Statistics Canada resigned over it.
Jason Kenney also stated that the reasoning behind defunding Kairos, was that they were anti-Israeli. Bev Oda contradicted that by trying to pass it off as a routine decision. Could it actually have something to do with the fact that they have been critical of Alberta's oil sands? That they have been considered to be a left-leaning aid organization?
Only a fool would believe these people aren't pushing their agendas. Only a fool would believe this conservative government will put sound, reasonable, well-researched common sense over their backwards social conservative philosophies.
Bev Oda's fuck up is just the latest, take that evil tub of hatred Charles McVety, for example. He began to boast too loudly about how easy it is to push his agenda with his buddies Jim Flaherty, Stockwell Day, and Jason Kenney in the cabinet. When the conservatives were pushing the change in giving out film tax credits, they said that they were only going to deny films that were 'against public policy'. The morality police got their censorship bill all the way to the senate before McVety started boasting, and claiming that he had strong influence in the cabinet and the PMO. His comments caused a torrent of interest in the bill, and reporters flocked to story. The last thing the conservatives want, is to have their oppressive agenda dragged out into the light. Harper thought he had a sure way of bolstering support amongst social conservatives, and ended up devastating his reputation amongst many Canadians, but nowhere more-so than Quebec.
Harper is not always considered prone to making tactical mistakes. He is largely considered to be shrewd, and good at pushing his agenda. He can spin his efforts to reduce reporter's access to his office and the actions of the government, into looking like he is cleaning up Ottawa.
“[CAIRS] was deemed expensive, it was deemed to slow down the access to information, and that's why this government got rid of it,”
“The database in question was created by the previous Liberal government. It was called ‘the product of a political system in which centralized control is an obsession,' and that's why the government got rid of it,”
-Harper
Nice double speak. Bitch.
The reason he pushed the same-sex marriage vote early in his government, and then said he was not going to bring it back up again, was that he knew it was a death trap for his government. He could not permanently defeat same-sex marriage in Canada, so he made a strategic decision to get that out of the way as soon as possible. This does not mean that he is not a threat to gay rights in Canada. He still opposes equal marriage. He fought against it, in much the same way he fought against protecting us from hate crimes. He labeled homosexuality as 'sexual behaviour' and stated that opposing gay rights was one of the mains tenets of the Reform party while he was a member and policy adviser.
If you think I am spouting conspiracy theories about these people using subterfuge to advance the social conservative agenda, then read this lecture from Preston Manning:
http://www.canadianchristianity.com/nationalupdates/070511comment.html
He outlines pretty clearly that the only way to make Canada a christian nation, with social conservatism to rival that of the United States, is to employ the tactics of William Wilberforce. Except, instead of fighting for the rights and freedoms of slaves, he will be fighting to take away our rights and freedoms. The freedoms of LGBT persons to get married, to adopt children, to make films about gay cowboys falling in love in the Alberta rockies (Do you think Brokeback Mountain would have been given a tax credit?). The rights of women to choose abortion, even in cases of rape.
Bev Oda was entrusted by the Canadian people to perform her role as International Cooperation Minister with the principles and values she campaigned on.
Like, accountability.
The Canadian International Development Agency recommended to her that she approve federal funding to the international aid group Kairos. She then ordered the document stating this recommendation, to be doctored so that it said the opposite of what the CIDA had signed and submitted. Then she lied to the public by saying that it was not recommended by CIDA. She said that it was not 'aligned with the objectives of CIDA'.
She lied to the Canadian people.
Just like the long-form census debacle last year, a conservative minister misled the public into believing their employees were on board with their decision. They try to hide the fact that it is their blind ideologies that are behind the decisions. Bev Oda led parliament, and the Canadian people, to believe CIDA was on board with the decision. That is a complete lie. Tony Clement led us to believe that the head of Statistics Canada supported removing the long-form census. It was a complete lie, and the head of Statistics Canada resigned over it.
Jason Kenney also stated that the reasoning behind defunding Kairos, was that they were anti-Israeli. Bev Oda contradicted that by trying to pass it off as a routine decision. Could it actually have something to do with the fact that they have been critical of Alberta's oil sands? That they have been considered to be a left-leaning aid organization?
Only a fool would believe these people aren't pushing their agendas. Only a fool would believe this conservative government will put sound, reasonable, well-researched common sense over their backwards social conservative philosophies.
Bev Oda's fuck up is just the latest, take that evil tub of hatred Charles McVety, for example. He began to boast too loudly about how easy it is to push his agenda with his buddies Jim Flaherty, Stockwell Day, and Jason Kenney in the cabinet. When the conservatives were pushing the change in giving out film tax credits, they said that they were only going to deny films that were 'against public policy'. The morality police got their censorship bill all the way to the senate before McVety started boasting, and claiming that he had strong influence in the cabinet and the PMO. His comments caused a torrent of interest in the bill, and reporters flocked to story. The last thing the conservatives want, is to have their oppressive agenda dragged out into the light. Harper thought he had a sure way of bolstering support amongst social conservatives, and ended up devastating his reputation amongst many Canadians, but nowhere more-so than Quebec.
Harper is not always considered prone to making tactical mistakes. He is largely considered to be shrewd, and good at pushing his agenda. He can spin his efforts to reduce reporter's access to his office and the actions of the government, into looking like he is cleaning up Ottawa.
“[CAIRS] was deemed expensive, it was deemed to slow down the access to information, and that's why this government got rid of it,”
“The database in question was created by the previous Liberal government. It was called ‘the product of a political system in which centralized control is an obsession,' and that's why the government got rid of it,”
-Harper
Nice double speak. Bitch.
The reason he pushed the same-sex marriage vote early in his government, and then said he was not going to bring it back up again, was that he knew it was a death trap for his government. He could not permanently defeat same-sex marriage in Canada, so he made a strategic decision to get that out of the way as soon as possible. This does not mean that he is not a threat to gay rights in Canada. He still opposes equal marriage. He fought against it, in much the same way he fought against protecting us from hate crimes. He labeled homosexuality as 'sexual behaviour' and stated that opposing gay rights was one of the mains tenets of the Reform party while he was a member and policy adviser.
If you think I am spouting conspiracy theories about these people using subterfuge to advance the social conservative agenda, then read this lecture from Preston Manning:
http://www.canadianchristianity.com/nationalupdates/070511comment.html
He outlines pretty clearly that the only way to make Canada a christian nation, with social conservatism to rival that of the United States, is to employ the tactics of William Wilberforce. Except, instead of fighting for the rights and freedoms of slaves, he will be fighting to take away our rights and freedoms. The freedoms of LGBT persons to get married, to adopt children, to make films about gay cowboys falling in love in the Alberta rockies (Do you think Brokeback Mountain would have been given a tax credit?). The rights of women to choose abortion, even in cases of rape.
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