How do you search for yourself?

I often find it difficult to understand just exactly what it is that I want in life. A psychology teacher explained to me that the self is like a candle within you that never burns out. From time to time, it may flicker, but it does not stop burning so long as you are still alive. I have come to feel as if that flame is constantly flickering, and that it is hard to understand exactly what shape it is supposed to be. It is as if there is some mechanism in my head blocking me from... well, understanding me.

It is not as much a feeling of not having a firm grip on the steering wheel, but moreso a feeling of not going in the direction I should be.

I think one of the issues I have, is the natural tendency to play it safe. To avoid making big mistakes that could seemingly end up drowning me. I think this tendency has damaged my family relationships, and may be the root cause of my inability to calm the flame within me long enough to determine whether or not I am on the right path.

I have developed a fear in recent years of playing it safe. The fear of taking the easy path stems from the fear of regrets. Looking at the previous generations, and listening to their lamentations, I have been given a glimpse into a possible future of mine. Will I be like them, people who partied in their 20s, got married, got a job, went on the odd vacation, then sat down to catch their breath only to realize it went by too fast? It seems to me that they ask that question in a way that implies that they regret choices that they made... the choice of following the model of life their parents laid out for them.

I have roots in the prairies. I feel comfortable in the wide open spaces of the country. I admire the slow pace of life, the tight-knit communities... but at the same time, I think it scares me. My father's side of the family is that atypical family that grew up from the wheat fields and small communities. My grandfather would make rye in his shed behind my grandma's back, and trade it with hooch made by neighbours. He would go down to the diner, or community hall, and play a number of instruments with other neighbours all night long. My grandpa appreciated his family and community, and I have a deep respect for that. My dad followed in his footsteps, aside from the fact that he ended up trading the farm life for life in small towns.

The fact that I am gay has forced me out of following the same socially conservative path. I had to stop weaving religion into the fabric of my life, and replace those threads by constantly scrambling for truths. I don't have the whole universe completely figured out like they did. The methods they used to see the flame within themselves, won't work for me.

Their truths are not my truths.

I am just wandering aimlessly... hoping that this is just a typical problem of youth that ends up getting resolved. Hoping that my anxiety is just part of the process of finding my way.